


A Complicated Question

by verucasalt123



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-02-27 16:30:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2699654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verucasalt123/pseuds/verucasalt123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike wants to know why Angel still prays.</p><p>(Reposting with beautiful new artwork)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Complicated Question

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any typos or mistakes, it's late. I'll go back through it to fix anything I see that's wrong.

Spike had seen Angel pray before; had even sat next to him once and held his hand. Still, it was something he couldn’t understand. It made no sense to Spike; seeing Angel on his knees with his head bowed and reciting prayers, holding a rosary and not even flinching as his skin smoked while he slipped it through his fingers. 

After a year or so of witnessing this behavior, Spike couldn’t help but ask. If Angel didn’t want to answer him, that would be all right, but if he was able and willing to explain it to Spike, he felt like it would make the two of them even closer. Clearly, their relationship was very serious, and learning something new about Angel would make Spike feel more connected to him than he already was.

One night when they had no case to work on, no plans to do anything else, Spike decided to just get it overwith. What’s the worst that could happen, really? Angel might punch him for asking about something so private, but he could take that.

“Angel, I’d like to ask you about something, but I know it’s kind of a private thing for you, so just tell me to sod off if you don’t want to answer, okay?”

“Sure”, Angel responded with a bit of hesitation. “You know I’m not going to answer any questions that I don’t want to. But at this point, I don’t see any reason for the two of us to keep secrets from each other.”

Spike was fairly relieved at this response; Angel really did trust him that much, and it made him a little more confidant. “Right. So, I know you don’t go to church or anything but you do _pray_ , on your own. Guess I was just curious…what do you think about all that? You know, like, religion. Why do you do it?”

From the expression on his face, it was clear that Angel was unprepared for this question. He couldn’t speak for a minute, not sure how to start or what to say. Apparently, his silence was too long because Spike was saying “You haven’t got to tell me, love, it’s personal and I won’t ask again, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not that I don’t want to answer your questions but it’s a little tough to figure out where to start. You know that I’m Catholic already-”

Spike interrupted him with a skeptical laugh and a reminder of all the _rules_ he’d broken already. Just because Spike was atheist didn’t mean he wasn’t educated about religion. 

“So I’m _culturally_ Catholic. It’s what I grew up believing. Never gave a thought to it after I was turned, though. After I got my soul back, it just felt natural to pray; to ask for forgiveness and to give me strength to go on even with the weight of all that guilt on my shoulders.”

“All right, I get that, but what do you think it’s going to do for you? Obviously you think God is real, so I’m assuming you believe in an afterlife of some kind. Maybe the traditional heaven or hell scenario?”

 

“Yeah. Heaven and Hell are, to me, real – as is God, Jesus, miracles, all that. I have faith; I believe in those things. Not that you were Catholic, but you were a Christian man before you were turned. When you regained your soul, didn’t you ever think about it? I mean, going through all you did, what was the point of you suffering like that if you didn’t have some religious faith?”

That was a bit below the belt, Spike thought. And wasn’t he the one who was supposed to be asking the questions here? “You know _damn well_ why I did it, Angel. And it wasn’t worth it, I can tell you that. I nearly went insane from the trials I went through to get my soul back, I didn’t just have it dropped into my lap like a gift. Then once I had it, I thought I’d gone insane again, because I couldn’t handle the guilt and pain of suddenly feeling bad about all these horrific things I’d done over the past hundred or so years. And yes, I did it because I thought Buffy would love me the way she’d loved you. All of that over a girl, and what did I get for it? A few fantastic shags then right back to the contempt and superiority that had always been thrown at me. Like nothing ever changed. So the answer is _no_ , I did not think about it. Maybe my soul was there, but it’s not like it could be saved. I didn’t change my mind about religious faith, I still think the whole thing is rubbish, but it doesn’t upset me that you do still believe in all that.”

Angel could clearly sense the tension and defensiveness Spike felt after that outburst. 

“Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know how different our experiences were. You know the seven deadly sins?”

“’Course I do”, Spike replied. 

“What’s the worst one? The one that has been around the longest?”

“Pride. Thinking you’re above or better than anyone else. Your religion claims it’s the reason Lucifer was cast out of Heaven; the reason why there’s even a Hell in the first place. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Spike, I had committed all seven of those _deadly_ sins before I was turned, and I wasn’t even thirty years old. I never pray for deliverance of my soul into Heaven when I finally die, I already know there’s no possibility of that. I ask for strength to carry out God’s will, whatever that may be. I fail at that one, too. A lot. But at the base of it, praying reminds me of my family. It’s something safe and warm and comfortable. Familiar, you know?”

By this time, they’d moved closer to each other on the sofa and Angel had laced his fingers through Spike’s. “Yeah”, Spike said, “yeah I get it. At least that part of it.” With a tiny but genuine smile, he added, “We’re not ever going to agree about this issue.”

Angel laughed quietly and said “Spike, we barely agree about anything. That hasn’t taken away what we have together, and I don’t think this will either. I don’t expect you to start thinking about Heaven and Hell, and you haven’t ever said you think less of me because I do think about those things even though you think it’s all _rubbish_ ”, putting on his best approximation of Spike’s accent at the end. 

“We’ve lost each other too many times before, Angel. If it’s in my power I’ll never let it happen again.”

“Come on, love, the sun will be up before we know it. I say we call it a night and get into bed”

Spike knew Angel meant getting into bed and sleeping, not fooling around, and he was surprisingly completely fine with that. The raw emotion in their conversation had sapped all the energy from both of them. Still, he leaned in and gave Angel a chaste kiss, then said he agreed with Angel’s idea. 

“See? There are some times we automatically agree to each other’s ideas”, Angel said after the kiss broke. 

They headed up the stairs hand in hand, and Spike really was glad he’d brought up the subject. Now he had another little piece of the puzzle that was Angel.


End file.
